Thursday, June 1, 2017

Am I still her Mother?

Experience has taught me that not all things can be repaired or extinguished from our memories. When I was 18 years old I found myself in a predicament that I never thought i would find myself in at all. I was pregnant. I was almost 4 months pregnant when i graduated from high school. This is not something I am proud of in the least, although I love my daughter fiercely and would not change it for the world.
I find myself with that same child now. She is 20 years old. I am almost 40, in 40 days to be exact. I find myself looking at her in awe , and wonder, and fascination. She is Loyal, Kind, strong, emotional, empathetic. She is passionate about women's rights and equality for all and has used her photography as a way to tell untold stories of people who have less than her. She is so beautiful inside and out. However she is  showing me just how difficult it is to parent/be a parent of an adult. It is so hard!!! I still want to be her mother which makes it very challenging to be objective with certain situations. I mean she lives at home still because she is in college, so i still ask questions like where are you going? Who are you going with? What time will you be home? She however looks at me when I ask such things, as if I'm some stranger who is asking, and frankly she doesn't believe a stranger needs to know her business. She is respectful however and reluctantly tells me everything, which I'm thankful for. I mean she tells me EVERYTHING!! Which brings me to the part where I advise all of you other mothers DO NOT SHOW YOUR EMOTION ON YOUR FACE, what ever you do!! Let her/him tell you what ever it is.Try very very hard not to give away the fact that you are dying inside just a little bit as he /she tells you about there visit to the Dr. of there own accord to get an IUD/other form of birth control, Or the guy she met at college who is super nice and cute and so mature (he is 30)and wants to go have coffee with her. Listen and try not to freak out!!! Just breath listen and then try very hard to execute your opinion on the situation with out Freaking out!! I'm not always very good at this part. You want them to keep talking to you. You want them to know you are there to listen and try to understand what they are doing. Even if inside your screaming "Over my dead , god damned body!"
She is now an adult, in her second year of college and I have learned that I must stand my ground with my opinion of what I ADVISE she do, but we are at a cross roads with me being able to TELL her WHAT to do. This is devastating. I still want control. The realization that you truly have to start letting your child go and make some mistakes is terrifying. There is this acute awareness with in your mommy heart that they may only be listening to you with one ear, while  internally eyes are rolling and your adult CHILD is wondering why you don't trust her to make adult decisions STILL

She has one foot out the door and the other is merely a tip toe inside the entry way. Its painful, so heartbreaking, but yet breathtaking at the same time. I find myself choked up almost on a daily basis whenever I think of her leaving me and going full on out into the world. This nasty , hateful, scary, world.
   She is a good girl. She is so much braver than I was at this age. She has started her own photography business. She is getting her photography/business degree. She is working full time on top of that!! She is responsible about child bearing and her health , which I wasn't. She is a good big sister to her younger sisters. She is driven, determined, doesn't do drugs or drink and she knows exactly what she wants from life. I have never been more proud!
I'm proud of me as well!! I raised her and her sisters almost primarily on my own.
Though it makes me cringe every single time I think of her having sex, or dating a man I think is to old for her, or driving, or being out late, or moving out on her own , or any of those things we start doing and experiencing in early adulthood , I really do try to remind myself that she is doing and experiencing all the things I was unable to. I  was 18 years old and raising a baby. I was struggling working a job that paid me minimum wage and struggling to put food on the table and pay bills. I was going back to school full time at the age of 32 and trying to raise four daughters on my own after a rough divorce from there father. 
She is doing exactly what I wanted her to do which was , NOT to follow in my foot steps. I wanted more for her. I wanted her to do all this adventuring and experiencing of life. I wanted her to be childless until she had lived life , I wanted her to date instead of settling for a man who wasn't right for her.  I wanted her to go on adventures and travel. I wanted her to make a ton of friends and fight for something that will change the world. She is doing all those things, and even though I don't think I will ever stop thinking of her as my baby, I can look at her through wide open eyes and see the women she is destined to become.

Tuesday, March 21, 2017

Mom Guilt...The struggle is real

I have been having some lengthy conversations with some of my mom friends about mom guilt.
Its a real struggle for most of us and can really hinder how we feel about ourselves and how we function out in society. If you have an anxiety disorder it can be even more debilitating on your self esteem.
What is mom guilt? Its the fear of not doing enough. Its feeling guilty when you have barely seen your kids all week because you have to work, and then you get home and leave again for the gym. Its doing anything that remotely involves taking care of yourself. Its canceling at the last minute with friends because your daughter is crying that your "Never Home"and that gut wrenching question "Why do you always have to go to work?"

I feel guilty when I go to the salon to get my hair done.
I feel guilty when I go on a date with my husband on a Friday night.
I feel guilty when I don't clean the house on my day off.
The list really goes on and on. Every mom has this list.
Why? Why do we do it.
We all have heard someone tell us "You have to take care of yourself first, so you can be a better mom and wife" right? Okay but how! I think even if I quit my job and stayed home , to work from home, I would feel guilty for working at home. What the hell!!!
We are constantly worrying about whether or not the things we are doing with our life are messing up our kids some how. Especially those with anxiety and depression. There are days I just want to do nothing. NOTHING!! I want to read a book all day long! I don't though because I'm afraid my moment of quite and internal healing will some how negativley affect my kids. I don't want them to be depressed or sad or bored and for some reason I act like I'm contagious and do everything I can to hide what I'm feeling that day. I mostly do it with humor, I crack jokes or tease. I want my kids to be happy. We all want to raise kids that don't have to recover from there childhood as adults. So I hide it when im feeling melancholy.
However if I'm truly honest with myself feeling guilty is wasted energy. I try to remind myself everyday not to dwell on what i didn't do the day before, or what I feel I have to do tomorrow,
It really is about living in the moment. Learning to be okay with bad days as well as good days.
It's not easy but its necessary.
Stop worrying so much because its taking up today. All the things you could be saying to your kids and yourself could be positive and hopeful. Your day could instead be filled with laughter or team work.
Pick one thing every single day to tell yourself. Before you get out of bed say "Today I am going to be happy, I'm going to do what I want how i want."
What  I like to do is print sayings off of pintrest and tape them to my mirror. That way I see them in the morning while I'm getting ready. I cant deny myself the words "YOUR AMAZING" when its right in front of my face,
Remember that you are only human and humans are NOT perfect. We make mistake's and hopefully we learn from them and move on.
So the next time i drive my kids to the bus stop in my pajamas I'm not going to feel guilty that I haven't showered yet because I woke up late, and that they ate cereal instead of eggs and bacon for breakfast.
I'm not going to feel guilty that there clothes don't match this one day, but feel proud that they wanted to dress themselves,
I'm gonna get out of the car in my pajamas's at the bus stop with my messy hair and wave to them goodbye like a bad ass, because I'm thankful that I get to wear pajamas's and I'm thankful that I have hair to be messy, and I'm thankful my kids can see me smiling and waving, and I can see there smiling faces wave back.

Thank you for reading
Please feel free to comment below what you do to keep yourself from feeling Mom guilt!!

Below is a great article about changing just one word in our daily vocabulary to change our way of thinking as moms.

Monday, March 13, 2017

Are you a Warrior? or Are you a Worrier?

I was on the road to losing weight and had lost about 15 pounds. I was doing the Whole 30, and working out at the gym at least 3 days per week.
Then I Started having some issues with my health and had a Hysterectomy fairly quickly due to a large Fibroid Tumor that was destroying my uterus. I was scared to death!! I was sure it was cancer and I started freaking out about all the things I should have been doing for my body that I just started doing at the ripe young age of 39!!

So today marks 11 days since my Hysterectomy. The doctor tried laprosopic first and was unsuccessful. I started bleeding uncontrollably and was opened up instead. So its kinda like having two surgery's at the same time. The tumor/fibroid that was attached to my uterus was very large and it had twisted my uterus in half!! Crazy right!? No wonder I have been feeling so awful for so long!! I am on the Mend now recovery is extremely slow but I'm getting better with each day. I am looking forward, to getting back into my normal routine in a few weeks. However I am hitting the emotional stage of the this unexpected health issue. I am feeling useless , unable to do anything physical. My Family is amazing and has been taking such great care of me and they ensure me ever single day that I am useful and to take it easy.
What I am looking forward to over the next few weeks is healing perfectly and getting cleared to get back on my exercise routine.

I don't know why but I feel so guilty about not being at work for 6 weeks!! Each day that i feel better i ask myself..could you do your job today? My response is always no, but it takes some convincing. I know that i need all six weeks to heal. There is no way that i could help lift anyone out of a wheel chair right now.
I worry about money while I'm not working.
I feel guilty that I cant clean my house right now.
I feel guilty that I don't last long at the grocery store. Yesterday I went to Target for like 45 minutes. I came home and slept for 3 hours!!

Then my 11 year old said to me. "Mom you always tell us girls to be Warrior's. When we feel like we can't do something, or something bad is happening in our life , you say "don't worry you came from me and YOU are a Warrior!" "So mom stop worrying about what you can't do right now. its okay,because you are a Warrior remember!!"

I was tight lipped, I had nothing to say. She was right.
I am a warrior. Built from some of the greatest women I know.
I have been through allot worse than this. Allot worse.
So I'm going to stop worrying , I'm going to concentrate all my energy into healing and relaxing for the next 5 weeks, I'm going to enjoy being home with my kids for the rest of my recovery. I can sit and color with them, play cards, talk to them. I can pack there lunch, and read to them. I can have great deep conversations with my older girls about life and I can cuddle with my husband and talk about life, where normally I would be to exhausted after work to even discuss what each other ate for lunch.
I am learning that worrying doesn't get you anywhere. I realize I worry allot about everything and its exhausting.
So no more!! I will take my own advice and suck it up and be the Warrior I strive for my girls to be.

Thanks for reading

Marvel Mama

Tuesday, February 21, 2017


So March 2nd is fast approaching. Why does that matter you ask? Well I'm having surgery. Not just any Surgery. A Total Hysterectomy.
Lots of you are sitting there right now saying " oh that's an easy surgery" "you'll be fine, not a major surgery".... Blah blah blah.
Well your wrong. Sooooo very wrong. It is major surgery, it is not an easy surgery. Especially for me. I have a 8 centimeter tumor growing on the outside of my Uterus. I have smaller Fibroids inside my uterus , and last but not least some minor cyst/lesions on my cervix. Probability that its cancer? Pretty slim but being biopsied anyway. I cant have laproscopic because my uterus is to big and with the tumor attached its even bigger. So ya this is major abdominal surgery. Its driving me crazy how people are so flippant about it when I tell them. Like what constitutes major in your imagination anyway?
 I'm not looking for sympathy, okay maybe a little,but come on I'm having an organ removed from my body via my abdominal cavity!!! That is scary shit!! I might have a cancerous tumor! That is scary shit!!!  I'm going under anesthesia and that is SCARY SHIT!!
I know its just a uterus. Its not a functioning organ that I need any longer.
However this uterus has carried to term four beautiful babies. It has miscarried one that i will never know and it is what a women is designed around.You know procreation, its like a women's super power. So losing it is making me a teeny bit emotional. I have had this lump in my throat for well over a week and it is becoming harder and harder to control the urge to burst into tears. Not just soft cute tears, big loud ugly crying. 
 I will be saying good by to the chance of ever having a baby with Mark. (Not that we were going to have one , I mean I'm 39 that's just crazy talk.) 
It is the one thing we will never experience with each other. It makes me sad a little.

There is some good coming from this surgery though and that makes this all worth while.
1.  I already have four beautiful Daughters , a wonderful Step Daughter and Step Son, therefore I feel blessed in the children department, even though
mark and I never had a baby together.
2. I will never have periods again. Hallelujiah!!!!
3. My pain will hopefully be gone. YES!!!!
4. My chances of ovarian cancer drop with the removal of my fallopian tubes!!! I'll take that!!
And I will be well taken care of by amazing Fiance and my girls when i get home from the hospital.
I am thankful for all that. I am thankful that my Doctors listened to me when i said something was wrong.
So even though I am scared to death about the surgery, I know that I will wake up a new women. As fierce as I have ever been, if not more!!
Word to the wise though. Have a little sympathy for a women when she tells you this is the surgery she is about to experience, because its not just physical pain but emotional as well. 

To all you women who have had a Hysterectomy you are my hero's!! I would love to hear your experiences with it and how you felt before and after having one!!

Thanks for reading,

Marvel Mama

Sometimes I wish I was someone else

Getting New computer can really suck sometimes. As I began todays blog I hit some random button and completley deleted what I was typing. ...