Saturday, October 29, 2016

How can i say this without sounding like im still complaining?

I have been reflecting on many things this last year. I have started many endeavors this year. Some I have been successful with and some I have failed miserably at. I have been reflecting on motherhood and what it really means to be a mom. I have looked back at where I've been verses where I am now, and where I'm going moving forward. I have asked myself the same three questions over and over.
Why am I here?
What is my purpose?
What do I really want to do with my life?
Will i ever lose this weight?
Will i ever FEEL BETTER!!
I'm 39 years old , and I feel like I should have some of the answers by now. I mean technically my life is half over,And i feel like its slipping away from me so quickly.
I have been reflecting on my physical and mental health, and how far I still have to go with repairing it.
We all struggle. I know this. I know everyone has there own story. There own demons they fight with. I know that. I don't think my story is any more or less than someone Else's.
What it is, is MINE.

I fight every single day to be better than I was yesterday and I do NOT always win. In fact I think I fail at this more than anything else. Fighting to not be my disease and just be me is very , very , very difficult. There are times it Runs my life. I'm a control freak and this dosen't sit well with me. I want to run MY life. So I fight day in and day out to be stable and lucid and NON emotional to the best of my ability. I've become so hard, and unreachable and I really want to change that. Im so focused on not being Depressed/bipolar that I have literally become someone I hate. 
I believe in the power of change, and as much as change is difficult for me because I function better with routine, I know its necessary. I want more than anything to convey myself as a Strong Independant Women!!! 
Im Not.
I made cookies with my girls and my mom today and I was so happy to be near her,even though the day before i wanted to call and cancel because i was feelling anxious cause my house wasnt clean. My mom is like this magical person to me. She has always been so strong and so level headed and so goal oriented . It has always seemed to me that she knows where she is going and exactly what she wants, and she does it.As kids our house was always spotless, and dinners were cooked almost every single night.  My sister inherited that from her also. I did not get that. I am the most indecisive person on the planet because im always worried about everyone else. I want to be organized , but im not. I want to have more friends but i dont. I want to go out into the world and experience things, but then again doing yard work is fun also right?
I think its time to worry about me.I say this statement so much its sickening. However accomplishing that is so hard for me. Letting go of my guilt for not being and doing everything to make sure my girls have all they need , while im off working out, or taking time for myself is so hard, hard, hard. The gym membership i got was for the community center just so that i could take the girls with me when i work out. That way i dont feel guilty for working all day long and then coming home and leaving and going to the gym. 
Anyway it was a great day. Laughing and making cookies. I want more Family time like that. 
I want to step outside my comfort zone more. When the world is less intimidating, when im not scared of judgement , or not being good enough. When i can go somewhere and not feel like im doing everything possible not to lose my mind and cry because of anxiety. Sooooo When im dead? Maybe out in the universe i will be free to work on me. Pathetic i know. 
How do you let go?
How do you breath and be okay with not having control?

Sometimes I wish I was someone else

Getting New computer can really suck sometimes. As I began todays blog I hit some random button and completley deleted what I was typing. ...