Monday, July 11, 2016


I just went on vacation with my family for 8 days. We went to what I would consider the deepest recesses of Hell as far as weather goes but it was still enjoyable. Blythe California is nothing but Desert. Mass expanses of Dirt and Heat that is miserable. Not humid at all but if your not use to that kind of heat you literally feel like you will crumble to ash if you stand in direct sunlight for to long. It was 117 degrees all 4 days we were there!!
On the upside I got to meet Marks sister and Mom, and thankfully they have air conditioning.
We then took a trip north to Knots Berry Farm. So worth the 4 days in the blinding heat, to then experience such a place with my kids.
The Knotts Berry Farm Hotel was so nice!! I would recommend it if your going to go. We got a package deal there with our room. So the room cost included the tickets, so it was actually more reasonable as far as price this way, and we didn't have to sleep in the trailer another day.
Went on some scary rides with Mark and the kids. Word to the wise however never believe your ten year old when they tell  you they can handle a ride that you , yourself are not sure your going to survive without screaming until you have no voice left. We took Emma with us on a ride called the silver bullet. I should have known by watching this ride in progress, that it was not meant for a ten year old. However, she met the height requirement and  she said she just had to ride it. She begged and pleaded. So I let her go on the ride, all the way up the line explaining how scared I was and was she sure she wanted to do this? She went on the ride. She is now scared for life I think. She was bawling her eyes out at the end and I was screaming so loud I had no idea she was terrified beyond recognition until we got off. I felt like the worst mother ever!!!
All in all it was a great vacation.
We need to recharge.
Get away.
Who doesn't right?
What does vacation really do for your mind set though.
This is what it did to mine.

I realized how much I need to change my career.
I realized the time I have with my kids is so very short and I have to make the most of it, spend each and every moment I can with them.
I realized I really truly need to get into shape, I need to revamp my health. Day one!! Today!
I realized even more that I do not like people!!! I really don't . People are rude and entitled now a days. It pisses me off!
I realized that sleep is over rated (there is so much to do!!), but I need it.
I realized sex is not possible when your trapped in a 5th wheel with kids, which makes for a really long vacation...hahahaha.
I remembered how much I love to read!! ( I finished a whole book in 8 days!)
I realized Vancouver isn't so bad and maybe I don't really want to leave and move to a super small town, and some more thinking is needed on this one.
So many things go through your head when your in a car thinking for 18 hours.
I am also realizing , two different journeys may be happening, Marks, and Mine and I think they may be different and that is scary. I want to embrace the "your not to old and its not to late" motto, but its super hard when it relates to literally changing your entire life!
I realized I don't know how to explain any of this to Mark :/( of course he is going to want to talk about this now...)
I realized I am still at the age of 39 realizing that I really have no idea what in the hell im doing and I am so incapabale of making a decision, that it frustrates the hell out of me. I want to be able to know for sure where my life is at and whether or not its at a place where I'm content and want to stay. I think that is what I'm jealous of the most. Mark has this uncanny ability within himself where he just knows what he wants and he just does it. I am not like that. I will go back and forth and back and forth until I'm frustrated and so is everyone around me.

Anyway I realized a bunch of stuff, or I thought about a bunch of stuff and now I feel kinda stuck, in this whirl wind of thought.
Vacations are good for relaxing and getting away from work and the everyday mumbo jumbo, but its hell on your brain!! Especially if you suffer form Bipolar Disorder because indecision is a symptom .Racing  thoughts are a symptom. Your brain literally never shuts up.
Vacations are necessary though so keep taking them.
This week being home again, im really going to try to make ONE friggin decision and stick with it.
Wish me Luck!!

Sometimes I wish I was someone else

Getting New computer can really suck sometimes. As I began todays blog I hit some random button and completley deleted what I was typing. ...