Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Working versus Staying Home, UGH

Okay so not cool, I have had probably 3 melt downs in the last 3 weeks.
I feel mentally exhausted and like I want to cry every single day. I have no legitimate reason other than I hate my job more and more each day. I went to Medical Assisting School when my first husband decided that having a family wasn't for him and up and ditched us. (Ya real winner) Anyway I had been a stay at home mom for along time, I would work at night so that I could be home during the day and my kids would not have to be raised by a daycare center. I worked at Walgreens and the hours were flexible and i only had to from 4-10 pm and then home to bed and up to be a mom.I could live with this schedule and we were doing fine.
 I birthed them I want to raise them. I want to make them breakfast in the morning and drive them to school, and pick them up, and play with them, and read to them, and help with homework. Well that rug was ripped out from under me because there father just decided one day that he didn't want a family anymore, that it just wasn't "what he thought it would".  He actually said to me "I need a women who has more ambition in life" are you fucking kidding me!!I had to go back to school and get a job that was worth my time and efforts in order to support me, and my girls. So that is why I went to MA school.What i realized about that is it wasn't worth the $35,000 dollars that i paid for school because i don't make enough to support the girls and i. If i was alone with out a partner i would barley be making ends meet.

Now fast forward seven years later, I have a steady income, insurance, a good man with a  good job, and we have bought a house and a boat and a fifth wheel to go camping. We are taking the girls to Knotts Berry Farm in a few weeks. All things I thought could never happen for us after our lives were turned upside down by divorce and bankruptcy.
Here we are. Happy. Healthy. Thriving. Financially Secure.
I have started my own business with Perfectly Posh.
I however don't want to do this. I don't want to work.
I want to stay home and finish raising my kids. I work 10-12 hours a day. By the time I get home I feel like if I have to talk to one more person, or solve one more problem, or anything I might lay on the floor and throw a temper tantrum.
Ya Ya i know you can still be a great mom to your kids and help with homework. As it stands by the time i get home, make dinner, give baths and showers, there is literally just enough time to finish up homework, read a couple pages(not even close to the recommended 30 minutes teachers are requesting). I feel like i'm always in a hurry. I have no energy for my kids anymore. I try and of course I do things with them and I try to read every night without falling asleep. I try to do fun projects and take them to the park on the weekends , but usually the weekends are spent cleaning my house, and getting ready for the next week of working and school. I feel like im constantly telling them to "hold on",or "just a minute".
I'm thanking god its summer right now, but honestly what that means is that my 16 year old must now babysit, her two younger sisters  while i'm at work for 12 hours. She has to make them breakfast and herself breakfast, she has to read to them and play with them and solve there many issues through out the day. All the things she should not have to do until she has children of her own. Instead she should be hanging out with her friends and laughing and going to the movies and enjoying her summer.
All this working and I cant afford to pay for them to go to a day camp because its OUTRAGIOUS pricing. None of this is fair.At least to me. Yes i'm throwing a temper tantrum, and i don't care.
Ya Ya I know life isn't fair blah, blah , blah! Suck it up buttercup you choose to have kids young and do you life ass backwards. I get it. I made my bed so they say.
You know what though i'm done. I don't really care about the whole career thing. I'm glad its there for those women who want careers. I want to be a mom that is literally all i have ever wanted. I don't know what is so wrong with that. I want to take care of my kids and my husband. I want to cook and clean my house and make it pretty!! I want to garden and get up in the morning and run with my dogs.
I don't mind at all being the one who takes care of the house and takes care of the kids. Will I need a break hear and there? Of course.I have a man who would be more than willing to give me a mommy break, he does that now!!
 I have always wanted to stay home raise my kids and write. I want to write a children's book, and maybe a novel. I want to greet my kiddos in the morning with a smile and a hug, and walk them to the bus, so that i know they are safe.
Why am i not doing this? I ask myself that every single day.
The more i ask myself this question, the higher my anxiety goes and the more depressed i become.
I mean I know we live in a day and age where a double income is what works. I mean are we even going to have social security when we are done working?
Now a days you will starve and have no health care by the time you are of retirement age if you haven't been saving and stock piling your retirement fund. You wont survive. You will have to work until your dead.
So I work full time, I am an independent consultant for Perfectly Posh and I write this blog. I am trying. Trying to save, do what i like and eventually stay home. It just makes me so despondent. I don't want to do anything, i want to yell at everyone and say "Hey!!Moms Unite, Lets get back to Raising our kids instead of our Careers!!"
Hahaha, Can you imagine the back lash i would get for shouting that out!!  I mean i'm not an idiot i know how hard women have worked for equality. How they are still working there asses off in order to get equal pay to men. I truly get it.
So what is the answer?
Your guess is as good as mine.
So I will get up in the morning and do the best that I
can as a working mom and hope and pray that the plan the universe has for me eventually lands me right where i need to be. In my kiddos arms, hugging and giggling and loving every single minute of it.
I will keep trucking along working towards what i want from this life.
I will try to show to my girls that they have to start life off on the right foot by having there career first, living, and dreaming and saving so that one day they can have a family and they can have the option of staying home with there babies if they so choose.
Anyway i give props to the stay at home moms, the working moms, the moms who think they are not good enough , when they are. Being a Mom period is hard but then you through the expectations that come from society and from our economic push to have it all and its just that much harder.
So Moms of the world , we need to unite, be strong, tell  yourself that everyday you are doing your best and you ARE a good mom despite how you might be feeling right now.
Just keep pushing forward and don't give up, just keep on keepin on!!!

Thursday, June 9, 2016

When your partner is in a mood,
What do you do when your partner is "In a mood". Do you take it personally? Do you leave them alone and let them work it out? Or do you hound them to tell you what's wrong?
I tend to hound. I want to know what's bothering Mark so that I can help fix it. I am a pleaser. I want everyone else to be happy first and when there not it drives me crazy not knowing what it is that is making them unhappy.
We all get into moods though. I mean I do,
Sometimes im not angry , but just feel like being quiet. Our lives are busy and crazy at times with five kids at home and each of us working a full time job and each of us trying to start our own business's and get them up and running. Sometimes, I just want to be silent. It doesn't mean im in a bad mood, or sad mood, or any mood really. I'm just collecting my thoughts.
However, why is it that sometimes instead of being supportive towards one another we are apt to pick fights or take our aggressive feelings out on the other person?
I am most certainly guilty of this, especially having Bi-Polar, I can freak out even when it has nothing to do with me. Simply because I think deep down it must have something to do with me or he would talk to me about it.
That just isn't true.
Mark was in a "Mood" the other day and I seriously think I made it worse by nit picking him into telling me what was wrong. I was taking it personally because I feared it had something to do with me or something I did to upset him.
 He kept saying nothing was wrong, but I would not believe him. He said
"If you keep asking me that , then something is going to be wrong".
So I left it alone and just let him be quiet.
I still don't know what was going through his head that night, and trust me it drove me nuts!!
You know what though, maybe its none of my business.
Maybe there was nothing wrong and he just needed to be quiet for a bit after a chaotic day.
We all need private time whether its with our thoughts or with physical alone time.
I don't always respect that , but yet I know how much I need it and he would jump to give me alone time if I asked.
There have been times that he has actually shut me in our room and told the kids to leave me alone and he has made dinner and taken care of getting the kids ready for bed and for school the next day.
He respects that I need that time sometimes.
I need to do the same.
He respects that sometimes I don't want to share my thoughts, and he doesn't hound me.
I need to do the same.
So I will try harder.
I think if your in a relationship it doesn't mean that we have a right to every single thought, and action our partner takes.
They need to be able to be an individual. Separate from you.
I think sometimes we lose that sense of individuality when we become partners. We think we have the right to every single thought they have, and every minute of there time must be had with us.
So NOT true. I love him more than anything on this planet next to my kids and I want him to feel like he is and always will be able to have a chance to be himself with out judgment. I want him to feel comfortable saying to me "hey there isn't anything wrong I just need some quiet time".
We live in a day and age when everyone is cheating on each other and partnership is not the serious sanctuary it used to be and I think silence in our partners triggers some of us to think there is something more going on than what there actually is. A lot of people have already been in failed marriages and relationships and they ended because of trust issues. That alone can put strain on your current relationship.
We have to take back our confidence in our relationships with people and the lines of communication need to be WIDE open. Not Necessarily about what the person is thinking or going through, but we have to be okay with saying "Hey , I love you and it isn't you, I just need some time to decompress".
Especially when your a parent also. We love our kiddo's but we need a break sometimes and we need the other parent to take over for a few hours.
Do it for your partner and hopefully the reciprocate when you need it.
That's Okay. Love your partner, Respect your partner's space when needed, and talk to each other about your needs. I bet we will all be surprised how much better things get.

Sometimes I wish I was someone else

Getting New computer can really suck sometimes. As I began todays blog I hit some random button and completley deleted what I was typing. ...