Wednesday, May 25, 2016

When all else fails..Don't take a nap,

I'm at a cross roads here and I'm not sure which way to go. My brain is a swarm of idea's and voices talking me out of those idea's. What is one to do? I don't know what it is but i suddenly have this urge to accomplish all my goals in like the next 8 hours and i am driving myself mad!! I'm not sleeping well and I'm cranky. When I'm at my day job I'm miserable cause all i can think about is all the other things i would rather be doing with my life.
Frankly I'm pissing myself off!!
Fear kills dreams and right now my dreams are huge so I'm exhausting myself trying to kill fear.
I do not want it getting in the way of what i have set out to do. I am motionless , unable to take the first step into the decision to ignore this fear and continue on.
My body aches with the misconception that i can do it all and i just want to revert to my coping mechanism of sleeping through it all.
However what i have started does not just involve me you see. Therefore quitting is not an option. Was it ever really though?
No quitters in this family.
I want everything in my life to be perfect even though i know that isn't possible.
There are days that i want to sit in the middle of the floor and bawl my eyes out because i feel like I'm messing everything up. I blame myself when things are not perfect.

I have come a long, long way in my recovery from having a mental illness. Most recently i have decreased my medications by quite a lot. I feel okay.
I don't want to be bogged down by med's that make me tired, and fat. I know i need them to stay stable, but that is one of the struggles. Every medication i have ever tried slows me down. My thought process, my ability to feel joy sometimes. They are numbing. I don't react with passion about anything. I don't listen with real interest in what anyone is saying to me because on medication , i just don't care. So for me it was the right choice to cut back. NOT STOP but cut it back. See if I can find myself again.
Well Here I am , Mind racing, thoughts askew, Manic as Hell!!!
Project after Project piling up in my lap and a full plate of in decision about what to do first.
I got this though..I think...
I know what my triggers are, i know when enough is enough and i just need to rest. I am trying to eat healthy and exercise...all though i tell my self i just don't have time.
I do. I could make time. I have a treadmill , and a bow flex, and and exercise bike that Mark bought me.
So why am i not sweating my ass off literally right now? That is part of this disease. NO FOCUS. I cant seem to just focus on one thing at a time. I'm like the Tasmanian devil of multi tasking and not in a good way. I am going from one project to the next with out fully finishing the first. Im used to it though.
I am going to push through, I know i can do this and i know i can balance. I have a great support system and All the things that i want to accomplish CAN be accomplished and I CAN do a good job. So i will continue to look fear in the face. I'm still gonna refuse to let my dreams go by the waste side. I'm going to fight this every single day until i die!! I will not be beat.
I'm gonna sell the heck outta Posh.
I'm gonna raise 10,000 dollars for my Congestive Heart Failure patients and get them some new wheel chairs.
I'm gonna help Mark open the business of his dreams.
I'm not gonna let anything stop me and if all else fails, maybe i will finally get on the treadmill.

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