Wednesday, May 11, 2016

I mistook myself for a loser

Oh my gosh, the last 15 days have been totally insane for me!
Mark goes out of town a lot and I'm on my own with all five girls. This time its been two weeks and I have a confession to make.
Sometimes I like it.
I just recently started a small , very small business called Marvel in Posh. Fabulous skin care products that are primarily vegan and great for your skin!! Okay promo over.
Anyway, I used to completely hate when he went out of town. I would cry and be in a bad mood pretty much the entire time. I would feel exhausted and sorry for myself because I was "doing all the work". I have learned however that the peace and solitude I feel for those two weeks of just doing things on my own and my way only, is actually quite gratifying. I'm not sure he would be happy to hear this, but its not a bad thing. It means I'm not insecure anymore. It means I am more than capable of taking care of the girls on my own and feel good about it. We did stuff!! I took them to the movies, I painted the girls bedroom, it took me all weekend but i did it all by myself. All the trim, the closet doors, there bookshelf. I have mowed the lawn, and cleaned the house, and worked and taken care of the kids.Granted I  hate being apart. Its not something i look forward to at all. I guess what I'm saying is never before would I have been able to handle the stress of taking care of it all on my own. Okay i take that back i did do it for two years on my own just the girls and i before i moved in with the man of my dreams but i literally just went through the motions. I never in a million years would have thought i could put myself through school, or start my own small business, or even do this blog for that matter. I had no self confidence Mark is my Rock. He is who i lean on when I'm feeling like another day is just something i cant handle. When all i want to do is hide under the covers and sleep because daily life is just to much for me. He lets me know that everything is going to be okay. At least he did.
 I'm holding my own, for the first time ever!! I have got this. Yes i still need him to tell me things will all work out, but the difference is I believe it.
I can, and I will be all i have always wanted to be.
Confidence and self esteem are certainly not things that come easily to someone like me, but i know how important it is to lift some of that burden from him. Living with someone who has a mental disease is NOT , NOT, NOT, easy. He is the love of my life. He has made me more confident, he makes me feel like i can do anything.
So that is what I'm doing.
Anything Damn thing that i want to. I will refuse to feel Guilty for it. I am an Independent women who finally, FINALLY knows what she is worth.

Are the scars still there? Yup.
Do they ache sometimes? More than i let on.
The difference is .....I finally Realize, I'm alive. I survived. I'm a bad ass survivor!!
You can really do anything you put your mind to.
The more Positive energy you pull towards yourself, the better your life will be I promise. So do what you need to , lean on who offers there shoulder. Straighten your back and drive forward with conviction!! YOU got this!!

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