Wednesday, May 25, 2016

When all else fails..Don't take a nap,

I'm at a cross roads here and I'm not sure which way to go. My brain is a swarm of idea's and voices talking me out of those idea's. What is one to do? I don't know what it is but i suddenly have this urge to accomplish all my goals in like the next 8 hours and i am driving myself mad!! I'm not sleeping well and I'm cranky. When I'm at my day job I'm miserable cause all i can think about is all the other things i would rather be doing with my life.
Frankly I'm pissing myself off!!
Fear kills dreams and right now my dreams are huge so I'm exhausting myself trying to kill fear.
I do not want it getting in the way of what i have set out to do. I am motionless , unable to take the first step into the decision to ignore this fear and continue on.
My body aches with the misconception that i can do it all and i just want to revert to my coping mechanism of sleeping through it all.
However what i have started does not just involve me you see. Therefore quitting is not an option. Was it ever really though?
No quitters in this family.
I want everything in my life to be perfect even though i know that isn't possible.
There are days that i want to sit in the middle of the floor and bawl my eyes out because i feel like I'm messing everything up. I blame myself when things are not perfect.

I have come a long, long way in my recovery from having a mental illness. Most recently i have decreased my medications by quite a lot. I feel okay.
I don't want to be bogged down by med's that make me tired, and fat. I know i need them to stay stable, but that is one of the struggles. Every medication i have ever tried slows me down. My thought process, my ability to feel joy sometimes. They are numbing. I don't react with passion about anything. I don't listen with real interest in what anyone is saying to me because on medication , i just don't care. So for me it was the right choice to cut back. NOT STOP but cut it back. See if I can find myself again.
Well Here I am , Mind racing, thoughts askew, Manic as Hell!!!
Project after Project piling up in my lap and a full plate of in decision about what to do first.
I got this though..I think...
I know what my triggers are, i know when enough is enough and i just need to rest. I am trying to eat healthy and exercise...all though i tell my self i just don't have time.
I do. I could make time. I have a treadmill , and a bow flex, and and exercise bike that Mark bought me.
So why am i not sweating my ass off literally right now? That is part of this disease. NO FOCUS. I cant seem to just focus on one thing at a time. I'm like the Tasmanian devil of multi tasking and not in a good way. I am going from one project to the next with out fully finishing the first. Im used to it though.
I am going to push through, I know i can do this and i know i can balance. I have a great support system and All the things that i want to accomplish CAN be accomplished and I CAN do a good job. So i will continue to look fear in the face. I'm still gonna refuse to let my dreams go by the waste side. I'm going to fight this every single day until i die!! I will not be beat.
I'm gonna sell the heck outta Posh.
I'm gonna raise 10,000 dollars for my Congestive Heart Failure patients and get them some new wheel chairs.
I'm gonna help Mark open the business of his dreams.
I'm not gonna let anything stop me and if all else fails, maybe i will finally get on the treadmill.

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

The Truth of the Matter Is...Girls Are Messy,

Having Bi polar disorder means that  I'm a little obsessive compulsive about things. I like things to be even. Balanced. It makes me feel calm and orderly and in control.
Being a Mother of girls is not all its cracked up to be, when it comes to orderly, balanced, and clean.

We have five girls, they are all good girls with good grades and kind and would do anything for me.
Except CLEAN!!
Walking by the bathroom in my house is somewhat of a shock. The light is automatic so when you walk by it or into it , BOOM! The light comes on.
 Instead of seeing a nice clean pretty bathroom , you are birthed into a light revealing over flowing garbage, a toilet paper roll not on the holder but instead rolled across the floor like a cat was playing with it (We don't have a cat), toothpaste sprayed on the mirror and globed into the sink  I mean thank god we go to the dentist every six months, because I'm concerned the toothpaste isn't actually being used for its primary purpose of cleaning teeth.
Never mind opening the door all the way because of the huge pile of dirty clothes behind it.
I mean really even if someone was in the shower when you walked in , you would NOT see even a hint of there silhouette  behind the glass doors because , well ya soap scum from my 10 year old washing the doors with the bar soap.
On any give day you can come to my house and see a chore list written on the really cute white board i bought at Ikea. Each of there names spelled out , with ONE chore next to it. 
Grayce -unload and load dishwasher
Anna - empty the garbage's in all the bathrooms
I even put a nice little note about how much i appreciate them doing this ONE chore that i have asked of them.
They do there chores, don't get me wrong. 
However I think when the vacuuming is done they choose one small section of carpet and vacuum that instead of the entire upstairs like I've asked.
When they do they unload and load the dishwasher, there is no organization to it at all its more of a how fast can i shove these dishes into the dishwasher and random cupboards so that i can go sit and play on my phone or watch cartoons.
When the garbage is taken out;nine times out of ten they ignored the stuff on the floor around the garbage can. Oh and forget replacing the bag usually i get home and there is a banana peel at the bottom that someone threw in there even though there is no bag in it  because "it wasn't my job to take out the garbage, so why should i have to replace the bag!!"
I love my kids but there work ethic around this house that we all live in is to not to be desired.
So as a parent what can we do....
We have to continue teaching them. When my kids don't do it right the first time, i make them do it again. Usually that is accompanied by whining and complaining and trying to make me feel bad for making them clean at all, but i make them do it anyway. 
I am there mother, not there slave. I think we as moms and even dads,( although he seem to be able to get the kids to do whatever he wants with out argument) need to take a stand against our children. We have become such a lazy society and we are teaching our kids to be lazy and not follow through or do a good job the first time.
I remember my dad one time dumping and entire silverware tray back into the sink and making me re wash all the silver ware because i put away a butter knife that wasn't clean. I remember him trying to teach me to make my bed with hospital corners, and me crying because i could never get it right. I thought he was such a Meany!!
He wasn't though, he was teaching me to respect what i had. He was teaching me to be a hard worker who took pride in following through to the end instead of giving up because I didn't think i could do it. 
My mom taught us to take pride in our bedrooms, that was our space and she wanted us to love that space and keep it clean so our friends would be comfortable when they came over. She taught us about present ability, and organization. We hated cleaning our rooms!! But now as an adult, i would not want people coming over to my house if it was a disaster. NO Way!! 
Is my house a disaster sometimes ..absolutely!! I'm a busy mom, I have a day job, and i have a business, as well as FIVE kids at home!!
So what i want for my kids is the same thing , they wanted for me. I want them to respect there space. I want them to respect the fact that i am not there maid!
I want them to do a good job the first time, no matter what it is there doing.
 I want them to follow through. 
I want to be able to visit them at there homes when there older and not be afraid to sit on there couch because of filth. 
So yes i will keep making them do the job over until they follow through and do a good job. 
What are some ways you keep your kids on the beaten path when it comes to chores and keeping there bedrooms clean?
Do you care either way?
Are you a mom who feels like she does everything? Why?
I would love some feed back here on my page so please leave a comment.
Lets get some conversations started!! 

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

I mistook myself for a loser

Oh my gosh, the last 15 days have been totally insane for me!
Mark goes out of town a lot and I'm on my own with all five girls. This time its been two weeks and I have a confession to make.
Sometimes I like it.
I just recently started a small , very small business called Marvel in Posh. Fabulous skin care products that are primarily vegan and great for your skin!! Okay promo over.
Anyway, I used to completely hate when he went out of town. I would cry and be in a bad mood pretty much the entire time. I would feel exhausted and sorry for myself because I was "doing all the work". I have learned however that the peace and solitude I feel for those two weeks of just doing things on my own and my way only, is actually quite gratifying. I'm not sure he would be happy to hear this, but its not a bad thing. It means I'm not insecure anymore. It means I am more than capable of taking care of the girls on my own and feel good about it. We did stuff!! I took them to the movies, I painted the girls bedroom, it took me all weekend but i did it all by myself. All the trim, the closet doors, there bookshelf. I have mowed the lawn, and cleaned the house, and worked and taken care of the kids.Granted I  hate being apart. Its not something i look forward to at all. I guess what I'm saying is never before would I have been able to handle the stress of taking care of it all on my own. Okay i take that back i did do it for two years on my own just the girls and i before i moved in with the man of my dreams but i literally just went through the motions. I never in a million years would have thought i could put myself through school, or start my own small business, or even do this blog for that matter. I had no self confidence Mark is my Rock. He is who i lean on when I'm feeling like another day is just something i cant handle. When all i want to do is hide under the covers and sleep because daily life is just to much for me. He lets me know that everything is going to be okay. At least he did.
 I'm holding my own, for the first time ever!! I have got this. Yes i still need him to tell me things will all work out, but the difference is I believe it.
I can, and I will be all i have always wanted to be.
Confidence and self esteem are certainly not things that come easily to someone like me, but i know how important it is to lift some of that burden from him. Living with someone who has a mental disease is NOT , NOT, NOT, easy. He is the love of my life. He has made me more confident, he makes me feel like i can do anything.
So that is what I'm doing.
Anything Damn thing that i want to. I will refuse to feel Guilty for it. I am an Independent women who finally, FINALLY knows what she is worth.

Are the scars still there? Yup.
Do they ache sometimes? More than i let on.
The difference is .....I finally Realize, I'm alive. I survived. I'm a bad ass survivor!!
You can really do anything you put your mind to.
The more Positive energy you pull towards yourself, the better your life will be I promise. So do what you need to , lean on who offers there shoulder. Straighten your back and drive forward with conviction!! YOU got this!!

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

When your kids are sick

I am a mother of 6 children. I have been through a lot of sleepless nights with sick kids.
I am a medical assistant , a smart one who knows more than she should about disease and sickness. 
When my kids are ill and i cant figure out whats going on. I freak!!! The knowledge i have i believe is more of a hindrance at times, than a help because i always jump  to the worst conclusion. 
My youngest daughter is sick right now, she has a rash on her cheeks and upper body that I thought was Fifth Disease (a common childhood virus,), but then she developed abdominal pain and green poop.
Now I'm afraid she has Salmonella, like maybe i didn't cook the burgers good enough the other night,or gastroenteritis,or Cancer.Yes educated or not, been through it before or not, I still freak out when my kids are sick and because of my medical background and my anxiety from Bi-polar, i think the worst.
I know in the back of my mind that she is probably fine. She is eating and drinking, no fever.
However here I sit at 7:30 a.m on hold waiting to see if i can get a same day appointment with the pediatrician. I am panicky because I'm afraid while i wait listening to this horrible music that all the appointments will have been taken by the time they get to me. Inside i want to scream and yell. In fact I'm afraid if they tell me they don't have an appointment available when they finally come on the line that is exactly what i will do. It won't be pretty, sometimes having bi-polar can be down right embarrassing. I will spew things i don't really mean to say when my stress level is elevated and I have had no sleep.
I finally get an appointment, at the Longview Office which is 45 minutes from my house. I am not happy at all after waiting on the line for almost 30 minutes , but Jesus my kids has green poop and a headache and a rash all over her body, you would have thought i could have gotten an appointment sooner than 1:15. 
My Logical brain, if your wondering knows that its probably most likely not serious and the later appointment is fine. Are you wondering why I haven't taken her to urgent care? Or the Emergency room?Well because, if i do that i will be sitting there until 1:15 anyway. Last time i took one of my kids to urgent care we sat there for 6 hours!! I just cant do it. So i will take the 45 minute drive to the appointment i could get.
I feel like i should clarify, all my fear and thoughts i do keep to myself,Inside is Where I do all my freaking out. Took me a long time to learn to internalize it but that is now my coping mechanism. That or sleep and when your kid is sick and your a wreck inside with your racing bi-polar anxiety ; sleeping isn't the best option. I'm sure it will all be fine I'm sure actually by the time we get to the appointment she will be chipper, and happy and no longer complaining of abdominal pain or headache and the pediatrician will look at me like I'm crazy. You know how it goes, at home there dying, you get to the doctor and suddenly there cured and hungry. 
We as mothers and fathers do not want to take for granted when our kids are sick though. I mean i literally just read an article this morning about Q13 host Travis Mayfield's 2 year old son quickly and tragically dying after having cold symptoms.
I hear this kind of stuff and it makes me question every cold , every ache, every pain, every headache my kiddos have. 
So what is a parent to do?
Share your thoughts with me today, ease my mind.

Share with me your green poop stories.
Share with me , share with me, share with me.

P.S. Please send a prayer out to Travis Mayfield and his partner and there family.
Losing a child is the nightmare of every parent and support is much needed for this family.

Sunday, May 1, 2016

Lots of Posh// Perfectly Posh

Starting your own business , its rough. Im starting my own with Perfectly Posh and I hope it will greatly benefit my life. I hope it will help me , help my daughters pay for college, and be able to play sports. I hope it will help my husband fix his boat. I hope it will help me feel less anxious around people. I hope i can help other women believe in themselves. Especially those women and men with bi-polar or what ever. You can do it. Please believe in yourself. Please believe that with help you can do anything. Women helping women. Men helping Men. People helping people. Not only that I really truly believe in these products. They are not tested on animals. They are not chalk full of unnatural chemicals, and i can use them on my babies and it wont hurt there skin!!
Do me and you a favor and check it out!!!

Sometimes I wish I was someone else

Getting New computer can really suck sometimes. As I began todays blog I hit some random button and completley deleted what I was typing. ...