Wednesday, March 9, 2016

Growing Old

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Getting older.Nobody wants it to happen. Unless of course you're a kid, then you just can't wait because you think it's going to be magnificent. It is and it isn't. Over the course of the last two weeks i have been thinking a lot about what i want out of life. Perspective has once again been pushed upon me as I watch with so much grief , my grandfather struggle with dementia. I watch my mother age with each passing day from the stress of caring for him. I want so desperately to turn back the clock, so she has more time with him. I wish that she did not have to experience him forget who she is.
Seven Years ago i lost my own father to a disease that attacked his brain called Leukoencepalopathy. He had lucid moments, he also had moments where he thought i was my mother, or my sister. My dad was 56 years old when he died. Less than a year later my mother lost my grandmother.
We have been through a lot. Death is hard. It rips you apart. You feel like you will never be able to feel Joy again. You do though. Your joy becomes even stronger i think. You look at life differently. You appreciate each passing moment more. The significance of it all becomes more important. We overcome our grief. It never leaves, but you overcome it.
“Challenges are what make life interesting and overcoming them is what makes life meaningful”-Joshua J. Marine
I have been reflecting on my life for the last seven years. At first i was just so lost.I was a single mom trying to figure out how to survive without the one man in my life who was constant and who did his best to never let me down my father. I reflected on thirteen years that i thought were wasted on a man who never loved me. I felt alone. I wanted to hide in my little apartment with my four kids and survive. I'm sure that is what my mother is trying to do right now. Survive this grief that she is feeling. So many emotions swirling around her head and she is just trying to survive. When we are children, we rely on our parents to keep us safe, and i don't really think that changes later in life. I think we count on our parents to always be there, and i think we take the time we really have with them for granted. All this is making me realize the importance of spending quality time with my kids. It's not the amount of time. It's the quality of time. What you say to them, what we teach them, how we make them feel, is what will help them get through the times when there an adult and they feel alone.We have to help our kids deal with there emotions, we have teach them survival skills. I am sure that is what my grandparents did for my mom because i know for sure that , that is what my parents did for me.They taught me and raised me with strength and grace and in the midst of shit going wrong in their lives,they handled it.A million different ways on a million different days , but they handled it. I grew up watching the strongest parents and grandparents there ever were. It took me until i was 38 years old to realize this. I am strong, and graceful and i can handle anything and I have them to thank for it. I can only hope that i am teaching all my kids the same thing.I hope they are watching me and the shit going wrong in my life and watching how i handle it. I hope that they leave me gracefully out into the world and i hope that they remember they are strong, that they are survivors.
My horoscope today says: Your composure and confidence provides you with natural source of vitality. Even adverse circumstances appear not to be a problem for you. You immerse yourself in life without hesitation.
Ironic? I think not. Thank you Mom and Dad, Thank you Gram and Papa.

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