Saturday, October 29, 2016

How can i say this without sounding like im still complaining?

I have been reflecting on many things this last year. I have started many endeavors this year. Some I have been successful with and some I have failed miserably at. I have been reflecting on motherhood and what it really means to be a mom. I have looked back at where I've been verses where I am now, and where I'm going moving forward. I have asked myself the same three questions over and over.
Why am I here?
What is my purpose?
What do I really want to do with my life?
Will i ever lose this weight?
Will i ever FEEL BETTER!!
I'm 39 years old , and I feel like I should have some of the answers by now. I mean technically my life is half over,And i feel like its slipping away from me so quickly.
I have been reflecting on my physical and mental health, and how far I still have to go with repairing it.
We all struggle. I know this. I know everyone has there own story. There own demons they fight with. I know that. I don't think my story is any more or less than someone Else's.
What it is, is MINE.

I fight every single day to be better than I was yesterday and I do NOT always win. In fact I think I fail at this more than anything else. Fighting to not be my disease and just be me is very , very , very difficult. There are times it Runs my life. I'm a control freak and this dosen't sit well with me. I want to run MY life. So I fight day in and day out to be stable and lucid and NON emotional to the best of my ability. I've become so hard, and unreachable and I really want to change that. Im so focused on not being Depressed/bipolar that I have literally become someone I hate. 
I believe in the power of change, and as much as change is difficult for me because I function better with routine, I know its necessary. I want more than anything to convey myself as a Strong Independant Women!!! 
Im Not.
I made cookies with my girls and my mom today and I was so happy to be near her,even though the day before i wanted to call and cancel because i was feelling anxious cause my house wasnt clean. My mom is like this magical person to me. She has always been so strong and so level headed and so goal oriented . It has always seemed to me that she knows where she is going and exactly what she wants, and she does it.As kids our house was always spotless, and dinners were cooked almost every single night.  My sister inherited that from her also. I did not get that. I am the most indecisive person on the planet because im always worried about everyone else. I want to be organized , but im not. I want to have more friends but i dont. I want to go out into the world and experience things, but then again doing yard work is fun also right?
I think its time to worry about me.I say this statement so much its sickening. However accomplishing that is so hard for me. Letting go of my guilt for not being and doing everything to make sure my girls have all they need , while im off working out, or taking time for myself is so hard, hard, hard. The gym membership i got was for the community center just so that i could take the girls with me when i work out. That way i dont feel guilty for working all day long and then coming home and leaving and going to the gym. 
Anyway it was a great day. Laughing and making cookies. I want more Family time like that. 
I want to step outside my comfort zone more. When the world is less intimidating, when im not scared of judgement , or not being good enough. When i can go somewhere and not feel like im doing everything possible not to lose my mind and cry because of anxiety. Sooooo When im dead? Maybe out in the universe i will be free to work on me. Pathetic i know. 
How do you let go?
How do you breath and be okay with not having control?

Tuesday, September 20, 2016

Why didn't I see it?

I have been off of my medication. I know I know , Dangerous.
Both Prozac and Rispiradone for several months now. It was a risk, but one i was willing to take in order to figure it all out.
What you ask? What are you trying to figure out?
Why I am the way I am. I have been on a mission ever since finding love again. I want to know , am I really all those things that they all said I was. Am I DEPRESSED? Am I BIPOLAR? Am I a VICTIM of abuse? Do i really have PTSD? So many questions that i know deep down , no matter how many therapist I visit , I believe I am the only one that can figure it out. I have to look into a past I would rather forget, I have to visit, places and pieces of my life in order to piece together the strand of what my mental health is, or was. I just don't know. So I went off my meds. Sounds Crazy I know. Honestly though do you know how many times in my 13 year marriage I was called crazy?
So many that I believed it, and maybe just maybe I wasn't. Maybe just maybe I'm not bipolar. Its possible isn't it.  I just read this article about the NARCISSISTIC ABUSER. I read it and I thought, holy shit!! I mean I new there were plenty of times that what my ex husband was saying and doing to me could be labeled abusive, but i alwasy thought of abuse as being physically beaten (although that to happened on several occasions). Isnt it possible that , maybe that environment for so long MADE me the way I am. Overly emotional, confuse , unable to make decisions. I have a high fight or flight reaction to things.
Since finding Mark (the love of my life for sure)  I have had fewer days of wanting to lay in bed and never get up. I am more reasonable. I have a clearer thought process.
With my Ex I was always feeling defeated. I always felt like I was doing something wrong. I tried to be strong willed, yet I found myself making excuses for his behavior even to him just so that he would love me. Just a little.
I mean i came from a long line of strong willed women, and at times I did find that strength within myself and I would stand up for myself, but ultimately I was weak, drained of energy, sad, disconnected. When I did stand up for myself it was always short lived. I was knocked down at the knees and made to feel that the strength I was feeling was not real, that I would forever be nothing without him. He made me believe that the things he did and said were just me mis understanding the situation or he would say nothing at all and ignore that I even existed. I was confused, I needed a hobby other than hounding him about things i was "making up in my head". I could literally stand right in front of him and try to talk to him and he would look around me and turn the television on.
I was nothing to him. Just some girl he got knocked up one to many times. Just some girl that he felt he was doing a favor by staying with and "pretending to be a happy family", because some how that made him more of a man.
So many things happened and so much of it i thought was my fault even when it truly was not. Even now that we have been divorced for the last eight years , i find myself wondering if it was something that i did that keeps him from seeing his children, children his family by the way says I continued to birth just to "Trap him". I am still blaming myslef! I will never forget one week before giving birth to my youngest daughter. We had an argument because i was sure he was cheating on me again. I had discovered an odd phone number on our phone bill that had numerous text messages to a women i had no knowledge of. I remeber confronting him about it and i remember him making feel as if i was completely insane, even though he had cheated on me before. He said things like " your never going to forgive me for my mistakes are You?" " You are fucking crazy, and you have no ability to forgive". "I am not cheating on you, but i might as well be because your never going to believe me". "You are going to push me to cheat on you again because you wont let it go", I remember feeling so confused. I thought maybe im just being overly emotional because im pregnant. Maybe I am horrible for not forgiving him and moving on.  I mean he had gone to counsling after the last time he cheated. He had cut back on his drinking. He had asked me to have another baby. He was trying right?
I begged him to forgive me for accusing him. He scoffed at me and left. He did not come home for three days. I sent the other three girls to my mothers and i literally cried until my eyes would no longer open. I called his phone like a stalker , and not one time did he answer. I was days away from giving birth to our fourth child. Then low and behold he came home. He acted like he was there to forgive me and my craziness and "could we just forget it and concentrate on having our baby? Please?" Of course i agreed.(I was just grasping at straws), that of course i trusted him and i was sorry that he felt he had to leave. I apologized to him for leaving me alone crying for three days!!
The girls came home and two days later we had our baby.
I also remember at one point during the delivery , begging him not to leave because I felt like I had to push and him getting angry with me and saying "I havent eaten all day!! I will back in a minute, they can call me if your truly ready to push!" I remember the awkward silence of the nurse in the room. I remember him leaving with his mom and literally not even 5 minutes later having my Sheila (my friend) call him and tell him i was pushing. He made it for her delivery and stayed with me for awhile. He never hugged me, kissed me, told me good job. He barley looked at me.
That night he left , said he had to go because the neighbor called and the dog got out of the yard. The older girls were with my mom. He swore he would come back as soon as he wrangled up the dog.
 I did not see him agian until the next day when it was time for me to go home. 12 days later I would learn that he was with another women the three days he had left me, the night he was supposedly wrangling the dog, AND the entire time I had been pregnant. The phone number I had discovered was infact the women who he had been cheating on me with. 12 days and 13 years of this type of abuse later he came home packed his stuff and left us. Four little girls and a mentally distroyed wife.
So am I bipolar?
Am I a victim of Narcissistic Abuse?
Will I get better with love and support , instead of drugs?
I don't have the answers. Not yet. Its going to take a lot of strength on my part. Its going to take knowing I deserved so much better. Its going to take me realizing I am lovable, and I don't think that happens with medication, we shall see.

Monday, September 12, 2016

Boogers, Coughs, and yes more boogers

Where do i begin, its been awhile since I've posted. I'm busy. I think i'm also having a bit of writers block. Better yet an over abundance of things i want to talk about so i cant seem to narrow it down enough to get on here and blog!! I'm working on promoting my Pampering product business and they just came out with a product that I'm super excited about!!! Its called PAMPER YOUR COLD!! There natural based tablets that you put in your shower for congestion and body aches. They are made with Eucalyptus, tea tree oil, peppermint and pink grapefruit. We also have to healing sticks, one that is called the immunator and it has eucalyptus and peppermint also, smells wonderful and you rub it on your little's behind there ears , on there throats , under there nose and it just simply helps with boosting your immune system and relieving symptoms , and then there is a Pamper your cold stick as well that has all the same ingredients as the shower tablets!!!
I don't know about other parents but I have always been against giving my kids over the counter cold medications. My pediatrician is against it as well. I prefer a more natural approach to wait ails them throughout the school year. If it seems like its not going away then of course i might try something over the counter but more than likely if its that bad then they probably need antibiotics and then off to the doctor we go.
So im super excited that the company i work for has come out with a product that leads twords natural symptom relief of the common cold.
I also give my kids a spoonful of honey daily and zinc and a multi vitamin.
So this year im hoping to reduce the number of coughs and stuffy noses and sore throats by at least half as many as last year.
In a house full of 8 people in can be hard not to pass things around like crazy.
Last year our entire family got Pneumonia. It was so awful. So this year im on a mission to improve the health of my family. That means even in cold weather. Getting outside for a walk.
Fresh air is imperative to our health. Being indoors primarily during the winter months plays a big part in our upper respiratory health and gastrointestinal health. We breath nothing but recirculated air all winter!! EWWW! and dust, dust ,dust!! I'm terrible about dusting but its one area that im apt to improve considering what dust is (do I need to explain the shedding of skin cells?).
So moms lets power through this school season and strive to wipe those boogers, wash those hands, and Dust like we have never dusted before!!
Also please keep your kids home from school if there sick. I know it can be hard especially if your a working mom, but is important. I wont send mine if you wont send yours! Also our teachers do enough, they don't also need to nurse our children when they are sick and whiny!!
Happy School Year All you Moms!! Remember it takes a village!!

Thanks for reading

Saturday, August 27, 2016

Your Best Friend For ever and ever

About 12 years ago i met this blonde chick. She was drinving a jeep cherokee just like mine only white, mine was red. She was parked across the street from me at the elementary school waiting for her daughter to come out from her first grade calss, just like me. Everyday we smiled at each other and waved. She was the first one to talk to ME. Im not really even sure how it all started after that to be honest. The girls were best friends. My daughter wanted her hair cut short just like Her Daughters hair, they wanted to have sleep overs and play dates and i found out they lived on the street right behind me. I was new there in that town. I was alone essentially with two little girls and a husband. She had three. Soon we discovered our two youngest were going to be in kindergarten together and i was a stay at home mom while she worked at the college. So naturally i offered to watch her boy for her while she worked. He and My youngest daughter became fast best friends and there similarities were uncanny even though one was male and one female. They both loved Super heros jprimarily spiderman, playing outside, and laughing. those two could laugh at anything and everything. Its really crazy how natural it all happened and before i knew it I had a best friend. She didnt care that i was sad, or over weight, or shy and anxious, or any of it. She was just my friend. We hung out with our men and kids and we played board games till late hours while our kids played and had thanksgiving together. I would go over in the mornings after dropping the kids off at school sometimes in my pajamas still and we would drink coffee and she would tell me about a new book she was reading or show me the cross stitch she was doing. I loved her from the beginning. Her ability to talk!! I was and have always be slightly more reserved because , well i never felt important. About 2 years after i gave birth to my third baby girl. I dont know what happened to me but i started to push her away. My husband had been cheating on me and i was just feeling like the whole world could just kiss my ass! I did not want anyone and i was insecure because of her beauty and her out going nature and i was not any of those things and figured because i wasnt like her that is probably why my husband cheated on me. I could not have been more wrong. I remember walking around the lake we often walked together and her telling me a story that may or may not have involved my husband and some criminal activity. I remeber telling her i could no longer be her friend, that i had to stand by my husband and that i knew he was alot of things but a thief was not one of them. I remember feeling sick inside because i loved her she was my best friend. This women was me, in a different body. You just dont come across people that touch your life like this very often. Its like a once in a lifetime chance. All of our thougths, the things we wanted for out lives and our childrens lives were so similar it was crazy.
Anyway we stopped talking because i thought that after all the cheating my husband did and now he was in counsling and we just had another baby that i HAD to give him the benefit of the doubt and I HAD to put him first. I was young and i was afraid he was going to abandon us. Years later he did and i found myself alone and craving the friend i had so blindly disregarded, and turned my back on not wanting to here what was more likely the truth than not.
I now know years later, that i should have kept my friend and lost the husband.
The abuse in my house and to my self esteem continued and she seemed to be moving on with her life. I remember though coming home from the store one day and finding a book i had loaned her sitting on my door step.
A  few days later when i was putting it away i found a note inside , it said IM SORRY. I bawled my eyes out for days.It wasnt signed but i could feel it in my heart that it must be her just sending me a little message.
I was alone again. I would see her around town and i was so ashamed i could not even look in her direction. I soon learned through my daughter who was still friends with her daughter that they were moving to Alaska. I was devastated but still i did nothing. Two years later and another baby girl on the way, i was still miserable,my husband was still cheating on me and she was still in Alaska.
Then one day i recieved a message through I think it was MYSPACE, (remember that site hahahaha) and there was a message from her telling me she missed me and wished we could talk .
 I was to a point where i knew my marriage was ending and i needed her more than ever and there she was , still with out any judgement. She did not blame me for my halt to our friendship, she did not question why i had chosen my husband over her and that was what made me realize how special she was. She just knew it was what i had to do at the time. Well our  friendship took off again as if it had never stopped and she was there in spirit and on the phone when my husband left me alone with four girls to live a different life with a different women.She was there when my dad died on the phone crying with me.  She was there laughing with me and happy for me when i found the man of my dreams.
She is just the best person ,she is my person. A  heart so big and so full and she herself has gone through hell and back and i can only hope that i have been the kind of friend she has been for me. Our kids are still close and we are closer than ever , ever before.
Having a best friend is so important. I dont know how much so for men but i do know that women are spiritual beyond belief.  We are connected to ourselves and others like you would not believe. I think that it has something to do with the fact that we can grow other humans.
Maybe not but i think there has to be some science that leads to the fact that we are just born this way. We need other women in our lives.To build us up and stand by us and to relate to.
Not all women i guess but most. Even if you never have kids there is a need to take care of something or someone. So you have a best friend and you take care of each other.
We will grow old together that i am sure of.  We will not let anything ever get in the way of our friendship ever again. I can have the biggest fight with her and im never afraid that , thats it, our friendship is over. We just get each other. Anyway this blog post is for her. I love you , you crazy women. Thank you for always making me laugh, making me feel stronger than i am. Loving my kids like there your own. Being REAL with me. I got your back alwasy and forever and ever AMEN!!

Monday, July 11, 2016


I just went on vacation with my family for 8 days. We went to what I would consider the deepest recesses of Hell as far as weather goes but it was still enjoyable. Blythe California is nothing but Desert. Mass expanses of Dirt and Heat that is miserable. Not humid at all but if your not use to that kind of heat you literally feel like you will crumble to ash if you stand in direct sunlight for to long. It was 117 degrees all 4 days we were there!!
On the upside I got to meet Marks sister and Mom, and thankfully they have air conditioning.
We then took a trip north to Knots Berry Farm. So worth the 4 days in the blinding heat, to then experience such a place with my kids.
The Knotts Berry Farm Hotel was so nice!! I would recommend it if your going to go. We got a package deal there with our room. So the room cost included the tickets, so it was actually more reasonable as far as price this way, and we didn't have to sleep in the trailer another day.
Went on some scary rides with Mark and the kids. Word to the wise however never believe your ten year old when they tell  you they can handle a ride that you , yourself are not sure your going to survive without screaming until you have no voice left. We took Emma with us on a ride called the silver bullet. I should have known by watching this ride in progress, that it was not meant for a ten year old. However, she met the height requirement and  she said she just had to ride it. She begged and pleaded. So I let her go on the ride, all the way up the line explaining how scared I was and was she sure she wanted to do this? She went on the ride. She is now scared for life I think. She was bawling her eyes out at the end and I was screaming so loud I had no idea she was terrified beyond recognition until we got off. I felt like the worst mother ever!!!
All in all it was a great vacation.
We need to recharge.
Get away.
Who doesn't right?
What does vacation really do for your mind set though.
This is what it did to mine.

I realized how much I need to change my career.
I realized the time I have with my kids is so very short and I have to make the most of it, spend each and every moment I can with them.
I realized I really truly need to get into shape, I need to revamp my health. Day one!! Today!
I realized even more that I do not like people!!! I really don't . People are rude and entitled now a days. It pisses me off!
I realized that sleep is over rated (there is so much to do!!), but I need it.
I realized sex is not possible when your trapped in a 5th wheel with kids, which makes for a really long vacation...hahahaha.
I remembered how much I love to read!! ( I finished a whole book in 8 days!)
I realized Vancouver isn't so bad and maybe I don't really want to leave and move to a super small town, and some more thinking is needed on this one.
So many things go through your head when your in a car thinking for 18 hours.
I am also realizing , two different journeys may be happening, Marks, and Mine and I think they may be different and that is scary. I want to embrace the "your not to old and its not to late" motto, but its super hard when it relates to literally changing your entire life!
I realized I don't know how to explain any of this to Mark :/( of course he is going to want to talk about this now...)
I realized I am still at the age of 39 realizing that I really have no idea what in the hell im doing and I am so incapabale of making a decision, that it frustrates the hell out of me. I want to be able to know for sure where my life is at and whether or not its at a place where I'm content and want to stay. I think that is what I'm jealous of the most. Mark has this uncanny ability within himself where he just knows what he wants and he just does it. I am not like that. I will go back and forth and back and forth until I'm frustrated and so is everyone around me.

Anyway I realized a bunch of stuff, or I thought about a bunch of stuff and now I feel kinda stuck, in this whirl wind of thought.
Vacations are good for relaxing and getting away from work and the everyday mumbo jumbo, but its hell on your brain!! Especially if you suffer form Bipolar Disorder because indecision is a symptom .Racing  thoughts are a symptom. Your brain literally never shuts up.
Vacations are necessary though so keep taking them.
This week being home again, im really going to try to make ONE friggin decision and stick with it.
Wish me Luck!!

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Working versus Staying Home, UGH

Okay so not cool, I have had probably 3 melt downs in the last 3 weeks.
I feel mentally exhausted and like I want to cry every single day. I have no legitimate reason other than I hate my job more and more each day. I went to Medical Assisting School when my first husband decided that having a family wasn't for him and up and ditched us. (Ya real winner) Anyway I had been a stay at home mom for along time, I would work at night so that I could be home during the day and my kids would not have to be raised by a daycare center. I worked at Walgreens and the hours were flexible and i only had to from 4-10 pm and then home to bed and up to be a mom.I could live with this schedule and we were doing fine.
 I birthed them I want to raise them. I want to make them breakfast in the morning and drive them to school, and pick them up, and play with them, and read to them, and help with homework. Well that rug was ripped out from under me because there father just decided one day that he didn't want a family anymore, that it just wasn't "what he thought it would".  He actually said to me "I need a women who has more ambition in life" are you fucking kidding me!!I had to go back to school and get a job that was worth my time and efforts in order to support me, and my girls. So that is why I went to MA school.What i realized about that is it wasn't worth the $35,000 dollars that i paid for school because i don't make enough to support the girls and i. If i was alone with out a partner i would barley be making ends meet.

Now fast forward seven years later, I have a steady income, insurance, a good man with a  good job, and we have bought a house and a boat and a fifth wheel to go camping. We are taking the girls to Knotts Berry Farm in a few weeks. All things I thought could never happen for us after our lives were turned upside down by divorce and bankruptcy.
Here we are. Happy. Healthy. Thriving. Financially Secure.
I have started my own business with Perfectly Posh.
I however don't want to do this. I don't want to work.
I want to stay home and finish raising my kids. I work 10-12 hours a day. By the time I get home I feel like if I have to talk to one more person, or solve one more problem, or anything I might lay on the floor and throw a temper tantrum.
Ya Ya i know you can still be a great mom to your kids and help with homework. As it stands by the time i get home, make dinner, give baths and showers, there is literally just enough time to finish up homework, read a couple pages(not even close to the recommended 30 minutes teachers are requesting). I feel like i'm always in a hurry. I have no energy for my kids anymore. I try and of course I do things with them and I try to read every night without falling asleep. I try to do fun projects and take them to the park on the weekends , but usually the weekends are spent cleaning my house, and getting ready for the next week of working and school. I feel like im constantly telling them to "hold on",or "just a minute".
I'm thanking god its summer right now, but honestly what that means is that my 16 year old must now babysit, her two younger sisters  while i'm at work for 12 hours. She has to make them breakfast and herself breakfast, she has to read to them and play with them and solve there many issues through out the day. All the things she should not have to do until she has children of her own. Instead she should be hanging out with her friends and laughing and going to the movies and enjoying her summer.
All this working and I cant afford to pay for them to go to a day camp because its OUTRAGIOUS pricing. None of this is fair.At least to me. Yes i'm throwing a temper tantrum, and i don't care.
Ya Ya I know life isn't fair blah, blah , blah! Suck it up buttercup you choose to have kids young and do you life ass backwards. I get it. I made my bed so they say.
You know what though i'm done. I don't really care about the whole career thing. I'm glad its there for those women who want careers. I want to be a mom that is literally all i have ever wanted. I don't know what is so wrong with that. I want to take care of my kids and my husband. I want to cook and clean my house and make it pretty!! I want to garden and get up in the morning and run with my dogs.
I don't mind at all being the one who takes care of the house and takes care of the kids. Will I need a break hear and there? Of course.I have a man who would be more than willing to give me a mommy break, he does that now!!
 I have always wanted to stay home raise my kids and write. I want to write a children's book, and maybe a novel. I want to greet my kiddos in the morning with a smile and a hug, and walk them to the bus, so that i know they are safe.
Why am i not doing this? I ask myself that every single day.
The more i ask myself this question, the higher my anxiety goes and the more depressed i become.
I mean I know we live in a day and age where a double income is what works. I mean are we even going to have social security when we are done working?
Now a days you will starve and have no health care by the time you are of retirement age if you haven't been saving and stock piling your retirement fund. You wont survive. You will have to work until your dead.
So I work full time, I am an independent consultant for Perfectly Posh and I write this blog. I am trying. Trying to save, do what i like and eventually stay home. It just makes me so despondent. I don't want to do anything, i want to yell at everyone and say "Hey!!Moms Unite, Lets get back to Raising our kids instead of our Careers!!"
Hahaha, Can you imagine the back lash i would get for shouting that out!!  I mean i'm not an idiot i know how hard women have worked for equality. How they are still working there asses off in order to get equal pay to men. I truly get it.
So what is the answer?
Your guess is as good as mine.
So I will get up in the morning and do the best that I
can as a working mom and hope and pray that the plan the universe has for me eventually lands me right where i need to be. In my kiddos arms, hugging and giggling and loving every single minute of it.
I will keep trucking along working towards what i want from this life.
I will try to show to my girls that they have to start life off on the right foot by having there career first, living, and dreaming and saving so that one day they can have a family and they can have the option of staying home with there babies if they so choose.
Anyway i give props to the stay at home moms, the working moms, the moms who think they are not good enough , when they are. Being a Mom period is hard but then you through the expectations that come from society and from our economic push to have it all and its just that much harder.
So Moms of the world , we need to unite, be strong, tell  yourself that everyday you are doing your best and you ARE a good mom despite how you might be feeling right now.
Just keep pushing forward and don't give up, just keep on keepin on!!!

Thursday, June 9, 2016

When your partner is in a mood,
What do you do when your partner is "In a mood". Do you take it personally? Do you leave them alone and let them work it out? Or do you hound them to tell you what's wrong?
I tend to hound. I want to know what's bothering Mark so that I can help fix it. I am a pleaser. I want everyone else to be happy first and when there not it drives me crazy not knowing what it is that is making them unhappy.
We all get into moods though. I mean I do,
Sometimes im not angry , but just feel like being quiet. Our lives are busy and crazy at times with five kids at home and each of us working a full time job and each of us trying to start our own business's and get them up and running. Sometimes, I just want to be silent. It doesn't mean im in a bad mood, or sad mood, or any mood really. I'm just collecting my thoughts.
However, why is it that sometimes instead of being supportive towards one another we are apt to pick fights or take our aggressive feelings out on the other person?
I am most certainly guilty of this, especially having Bi-Polar, I can freak out even when it has nothing to do with me. Simply because I think deep down it must have something to do with me or he would talk to me about it.
That just isn't true.
Mark was in a "Mood" the other day and I seriously think I made it worse by nit picking him into telling me what was wrong. I was taking it personally because I feared it had something to do with me or something I did to upset him.
 He kept saying nothing was wrong, but I would not believe him. He said
"If you keep asking me that , then something is going to be wrong".
So I left it alone and just let him be quiet.
I still don't know what was going through his head that night, and trust me it drove me nuts!!
You know what though, maybe its none of my business.
Maybe there was nothing wrong and he just needed to be quiet for a bit after a chaotic day.
We all need private time whether its with our thoughts or with physical alone time.
I don't always respect that , but yet I know how much I need it and he would jump to give me alone time if I asked.
There have been times that he has actually shut me in our room and told the kids to leave me alone and he has made dinner and taken care of getting the kids ready for bed and for school the next day.
He respects that I need that time sometimes.
I need to do the same.
He respects that sometimes I don't want to share my thoughts, and he doesn't hound me.
I need to do the same.
So I will try harder.
I think if your in a relationship it doesn't mean that we have a right to every single thought, and action our partner takes.
They need to be able to be an individual. Separate from you.
I think sometimes we lose that sense of individuality when we become partners. We think we have the right to every single thought they have, and every minute of there time must be had with us.
So NOT true. I love him more than anything on this planet next to my kids and I want him to feel like he is and always will be able to have a chance to be himself with out judgment. I want him to feel comfortable saying to me "hey there isn't anything wrong I just need some quiet time".
We live in a day and age when everyone is cheating on each other and partnership is not the serious sanctuary it used to be and I think silence in our partners triggers some of us to think there is something more going on than what there actually is. A lot of people have already been in failed marriages and relationships and they ended because of trust issues. That alone can put strain on your current relationship.
We have to take back our confidence in our relationships with people and the lines of communication need to be WIDE open. Not Necessarily about what the person is thinking or going through, but we have to be okay with saying "Hey , I love you and it isn't you, I just need some time to decompress".
Especially when your a parent also. We love our kiddo's but we need a break sometimes and we need the other parent to take over for a few hours.
Do it for your partner and hopefully the reciprocate when you need it.
That's Okay. Love your partner, Respect your partner's space when needed, and talk to each other about your needs. I bet we will all be surprised how much better things get.

Wednesday, May 25, 2016

When all else fails..Don't take a nap,

I'm at a cross roads here and I'm not sure which way to go. My brain is a swarm of idea's and voices talking me out of those idea's. What is one to do? I don't know what it is but i suddenly have this urge to accomplish all my goals in like the next 8 hours and i am driving myself mad!! I'm not sleeping well and I'm cranky. When I'm at my day job I'm miserable cause all i can think about is all the other things i would rather be doing with my life.
Frankly I'm pissing myself off!!
Fear kills dreams and right now my dreams are huge so I'm exhausting myself trying to kill fear.
I do not want it getting in the way of what i have set out to do. I am motionless , unable to take the first step into the decision to ignore this fear and continue on.
My body aches with the misconception that i can do it all and i just want to revert to my coping mechanism of sleeping through it all.
However what i have started does not just involve me you see. Therefore quitting is not an option. Was it ever really though?
No quitters in this family.
I want everything in my life to be perfect even though i know that isn't possible.
There are days that i want to sit in the middle of the floor and bawl my eyes out because i feel like I'm messing everything up. I blame myself when things are not perfect.

I have come a long, long way in my recovery from having a mental illness. Most recently i have decreased my medications by quite a lot. I feel okay.
I don't want to be bogged down by med's that make me tired, and fat. I know i need them to stay stable, but that is one of the struggles. Every medication i have ever tried slows me down. My thought process, my ability to feel joy sometimes. They are numbing. I don't react with passion about anything. I don't listen with real interest in what anyone is saying to me because on medication , i just don't care. So for me it was the right choice to cut back. NOT STOP but cut it back. See if I can find myself again.
Well Here I am , Mind racing, thoughts askew, Manic as Hell!!!
Project after Project piling up in my lap and a full plate of in decision about what to do first.
I got this though..I think...
I know what my triggers are, i know when enough is enough and i just need to rest. I am trying to eat healthy and exercise...all though i tell my self i just don't have time.
I do. I could make time. I have a treadmill , and a bow flex, and and exercise bike that Mark bought me.
So why am i not sweating my ass off literally right now? That is part of this disease. NO FOCUS. I cant seem to just focus on one thing at a time. I'm like the Tasmanian devil of multi tasking and not in a good way. I am going from one project to the next with out fully finishing the first. Im used to it though.
I am going to push through, I know i can do this and i know i can balance. I have a great support system and All the things that i want to accomplish CAN be accomplished and I CAN do a good job. So i will continue to look fear in the face. I'm still gonna refuse to let my dreams go by the waste side. I'm going to fight this every single day until i die!! I will not be beat.
I'm gonna sell the heck outta Posh.
I'm gonna raise 10,000 dollars for my Congestive Heart Failure patients and get them some new wheel chairs.
I'm gonna help Mark open the business of his dreams.
I'm not gonna let anything stop me and if all else fails, maybe i will finally get on the treadmill.

Wednesday, May 18, 2016

The Truth of the Matter Is...Girls Are Messy,

Having Bi polar disorder means that  I'm a little obsessive compulsive about things. I like things to be even. Balanced. It makes me feel calm and orderly and in control.
Being a Mother of girls is not all its cracked up to be, when it comes to orderly, balanced, and clean.

We have five girls, they are all good girls with good grades and kind and would do anything for me.
Except CLEAN!!
Walking by the bathroom in my house is somewhat of a shock. The light is automatic so when you walk by it or into it , BOOM! The light comes on.
 Instead of seeing a nice clean pretty bathroom , you are birthed into a light revealing over flowing garbage, a toilet paper roll not on the holder but instead rolled across the floor like a cat was playing with it (We don't have a cat), toothpaste sprayed on the mirror and globed into the sink  I mean thank god we go to the dentist every six months, because I'm concerned the toothpaste isn't actually being used for its primary purpose of cleaning teeth.
Never mind opening the door all the way because of the huge pile of dirty clothes behind it.
I mean really even if someone was in the shower when you walked in , you would NOT see even a hint of there silhouette  behind the glass doors because , well ya soap scum from my 10 year old washing the doors with the bar soap.
On any give day you can come to my house and see a chore list written on the really cute white board i bought at Ikea. Each of there names spelled out , with ONE chore next to it. 
Grayce -unload and load dishwasher
Anna - empty the garbage's in all the bathrooms
I even put a nice little note about how much i appreciate them doing this ONE chore that i have asked of them.
They do there chores, don't get me wrong. 
However I think when the vacuuming is done they choose one small section of carpet and vacuum that instead of the entire upstairs like I've asked.
When they do they unload and load the dishwasher, there is no organization to it at all its more of a how fast can i shove these dishes into the dishwasher and random cupboards so that i can go sit and play on my phone or watch cartoons.
When the garbage is taken out;nine times out of ten they ignored the stuff on the floor around the garbage can. Oh and forget replacing the bag usually i get home and there is a banana peel at the bottom that someone threw in there even though there is no bag in it  because "it wasn't my job to take out the garbage, so why should i have to replace the bag!!"
I love my kids but there work ethic around this house that we all live in is to not to be desired.
So as a parent what can we do....
We have to continue teaching them. When my kids don't do it right the first time, i make them do it again. Usually that is accompanied by whining and complaining and trying to make me feel bad for making them clean at all, but i make them do it anyway. 
I am there mother, not there slave. I think we as moms and even dads,( although he seem to be able to get the kids to do whatever he wants with out argument) need to take a stand against our children. We have become such a lazy society and we are teaching our kids to be lazy and not follow through or do a good job the first time.
I remember my dad one time dumping and entire silverware tray back into the sink and making me re wash all the silver ware because i put away a butter knife that wasn't clean. I remember him trying to teach me to make my bed with hospital corners, and me crying because i could never get it right. I thought he was such a Meany!!
He wasn't though, he was teaching me to respect what i had. He was teaching me to be a hard worker who took pride in following through to the end instead of giving up because I didn't think i could do it. 
My mom taught us to take pride in our bedrooms, that was our space and she wanted us to love that space and keep it clean so our friends would be comfortable when they came over. She taught us about present ability, and organization. We hated cleaning our rooms!! But now as an adult, i would not want people coming over to my house if it was a disaster. NO Way!! 
Is my house a disaster sometimes ..absolutely!! I'm a busy mom, I have a day job, and i have a business, as well as FIVE kids at home!!
So what i want for my kids is the same thing , they wanted for me. I want them to respect there space. I want them to respect the fact that i am not there maid!
I want them to do a good job the first time, no matter what it is there doing.
 I want them to follow through. 
I want to be able to visit them at there homes when there older and not be afraid to sit on there couch because of filth. 
So yes i will keep making them do the job over until they follow through and do a good job. 
What are some ways you keep your kids on the beaten path when it comes to chores and keeping there bedrooms clean?
Do you care either way?
Are you a mom who feels like she does everything? Why?
I would love some feed back here on my page so please leave a comment.
Lets get some conversations started!! 

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

I mistook myself for a loser

Oh my gosh, the last 15 days have been totally insane for me!
Mark goes out of town a lot and I'm on my own with all five girls. This time its been two weeks and I have a confession to make.
Sometimes I like it.
I just recently started a small , very small business called Marvel in Posh. Fabulous skin care products that are primarily vegan and great for your skin!! Okay promo over.
Anyway, I used to completely hate when he went out of town. I would cry and be in a bad mood pretty much the entire time. I would feel exhausted and sorry for myself because I was "doing all the work". I have learned however that the peace and solitude I feel for those two weeks of just doing things on my own and my way only, is actually quite gratifying. I'm not sure he would be happy to hear this, but its not a bad thing. It means I'm not insecure anymore. It means I am more than capable of taking care of the girls on my own and feel good about it. We did stuff!! I took them to the movies, I painted the girls bedroom, it took me all weekend but i did it all by myself. All the trim, the closet doors, there bookshelf. I have mowed the lawn, and cleaned the house, and worked and taken care of the kids.Granted I  hate being apart. Its not something i look forward to at all. I guess what I'm saying is never before would I have been able to handle the stress of taking care of it all on my own. Okay i take that back i did do it for two years on my own just the girls and i before i moved in with the man of my dreams but i literally just went through the motions. I never in a million years would have thought i could put myself through school, or start my own small business, or even do this blog for that matter. I had no self confidence Mark is my Rock. He is who i lean on when I'm feeling like another day is just something i cant handle. When all i want to do is hide under the covers and sleep because daily life is just to much for me. He lets me know that everything is going to be okay. At least he did.
 I'm holding my own, for the first time ever!! I have got this. Yes i still need him to tell me things will all work out, but the difference is I believe it.
I can, and I will be all i have always wanted to be.
Confidence and self esteem are certainly not things that come easily to someone like me, but i know how important it is to lift some of that burden from him. Living with someone who has a mental disease is NOT , NOT, NOT, easy. He is the love of my life. He has made me more confident, he makes me feel like i can do anything.
So that is what I'm doing.
Anything Damn thing that i want to. I will refuse to feel Guilty for it. I am an Independent women who finally, FINALLY knows what she is worth.

Are the scars still there? Yup.
Do they ache sometimes? More than i let on.
The difference is .....I finally Realize, I'm alive. I survived. I'm a bad ass survivor!!
You can really do anything you put your mind to.
The more Positive energy you pull towards yourself, the better your life will be I promise. So do what you need to , lean on who offers there shoulder. Straighten your back and drive forward with conviction!! YOU got this!!

Wednesday, May 4, 2016

When your kids are sick

I am a mother of 6 children. I have been through a lot of sleepless nights with sick kids.
I am a medical assistant , a smart one who knows more than she should about disease and sickness. 
When my kids are ill and i cant figure out whats going on. I freak!!! The knowledge i have i believe is more of a hindrance at times, than a help because i always jump  to the worst conclusion. 
My youngest daughter is sick right now, she has a rash on her cheeks and upper body that I thought was Fifth Disease (a common childhood virus,), but then she developed abdominal pain and green poop.
Now I'm afraid she has Salmonella, like maybe i didn't cook the burgers good enough the other night,or gastroenteritis,or Cancer.Yes educated or not, been through it before or not, I still freak out when my kids are sick and because of my medical background and my anxiety from Bi-polar, i think the worst.
I know in the back of my mind that she is probably fine. She is eating and drinking, no fever.
However here I sit at 7:30 a.m on hold waiting to see if i can get a same day appointment with the pediatrician. I am panicky because I'm afraid while i wait listening to this horrible music that all the appointments will have been taken by the time they get to me. Inside i want to scream and yell. In fact I'm afraid if they tell me they don't have an appointment available when they finally come on the line that is exactly what i will do. It won't be pretty, sometimes having bi-polar can be down right embarrassing. I will spew things i don't really mean to say when my stress level is elevated and I have had no sleep.
I finally get an appointment, at the Longview Office which is 45 minutes from my house. I am not happy at all after waiting on the line for almost 30 minutes , but Jesus my kids has green poop and a headache and a rash all over her body, you would have thought i could have gotten an appointment sooner than 1:15. 
My Logical brain, if your wondering knows that its probably most likely not serious and the later appointment is fine. Are you wondering why I haven't taken her to urgent care? Or the Emergency room?Well because, if i do that i will be sitting there until 1:15 anyway. Last time i took one of my kids to urgent care we sat there for 6 hours!! I just cant do it. So i will take the 45 minute drive to the appointment i could get.
I feel like i should clarify, all my fear and thoughts i do keep to myself,Inside is Where I do all my freaking out. Took me a long time to learn to internalize it but that is now my coping mechanism. That or sleep and when your kid is sick and your a wreck inside with your racing bi-polar anxiety ; sleeping isn't the best option. I'm sure it will all be fine I'm sure actually by the time we get to the appointment she will be chipper, and happy and no longer complaining of abdominal pain or headache and the pediatrician will look at me like I'm crazy. You know how it goes, at home there dying, you get to the doctor and suddenly there cured and hungry. 
We as mothers and fathers do not want to take for granted when our kids are sick though. I mean i literally just read an article this morning about Q13 host Travis Mayfield's 2 year old son quickly and tragically dying after having cold symptoms.
I hear this kind of stuff and it makes me question every cold , every ache, every pain, every headache my kiddos have. 
So what is a parent to do?
Share your thoughts with me today, ease my mind.

Share with me your green poop stories.
Share with me , share with me, share with me.

P.S. Please send a prayer out to Travis Mayfield and his partner and there family.
Losing a child is the nightmare of every parent and support is much needed for this family.

Sunday, May 1, 2016

Lots of Posh// Perfectly Posh

Starting your own business , its rough. Im starting my own with Perfectly Posh and I hope it will greatly benefit my life. I hope it will help me , help my daughters pay for college, and be able to play sports. I hope it will help my husband fix his boat. I hope it will help me feel less anxious around people. I hope i can help other women believe in themselves. Especially those women and men with bi-polar or what ever. You can do it. Please believe in yourself. Please believe that with help you can do anything. Women helping women. Men helping Men. People helping people. Not only that I really truly believe in these products. They are not tested on animals. They are not chalk full of unnatural chemicals, and i can use them on my babies and it wont hurt there skin!!
Do me and you a favor and check it out!!!

Wednesday, April 27, 2016


Sometimes I sit and wonder if I really have Bi-Polar disorder. I think most people that have Bi-Polar disorder or other mental illness wonder this from time to time. I know I haven't talked about it much on here yet , even though its a part of my everyday life and I want to bring awareness to it. Its hard to talk about actually, because it is really hard to describe.
Being a partner and a parent with it is even harder
For years I had no idea what was going on except that I just did not feel "right". I felt off, and overly emotional. My extremes were what I called at the time "utter hysteria". One minute I felt like I could take on the world ,I was giddy. Literally a day later I would feel like my world was falling apart and I couldn't handle any of it.
It started when I was ten years old. At least that is my first memory of having a strange feeling and not being able to pin point it. It was so significant that I have never forgotten it.
I was in the bath tub.
It was a summer day and my brothers and I had been outside all day playing and I was filthy. My mom told me to go and take a bath. I was in my parents bathroom, the tub was enclosed by glass doors,the kind you cant see through cause that have that weird smokiness to them. I used to like to pretend I was in a shampoo commercial when I was in the shower, so I would lather up my hair and read the back of the shampoo bottle with as much enthusiasm as the actors in the Pert commercials.
I remember feeling like all of the air went out of the room right in the middle of my five minutes of fame. I felt dizzy almost, and I could not move, I just sat there with soap running out of my hair and down the sides of my face. I remember feeling a sense like there were a lot of voice's around me and they were all telling me to do something at the same time and i was trying to focus on each thing but i couldn't.. I couldn't make out what they were saying or if i was really hearing anything at all, but it was more of just a feeling. I felt my heart racing. I felt like I was suddenly in a hurry.
Then it was over, I took a deep breath and I started crying. I wanted so badly to tell my mom but  I couldn't tell her. I didn't know what had happened or for that matter how to explain it at 10 years old.
In all the years that followed, that happened a lot that freaky anxious feeling, being unable to focus on just one thing at a time,always being easily distracted and then feel nothing but chaos inside. Only when I felt that way I would sometimes go into a rage, about little things. I couldn't explain what I was feeling. It would just set me off and I would be deliberately just freak out about something as small as the kids spilling there juice or I would be a ball of tears crying about, how I was a bad mother, how I felt so unloved and hopeless. Then it would be over, and I would be fine, then the next day I wouldn't want to get out of bed. I always knew that the way I was acting was ridiculous and over the top, but I was helpless to stop it. It got worse with each pregnancy and my marriage falling apart due to an alcoholic husband who made bad choices and was verbally abrassive. With all that I sunk deeper and deeper into this weird depressive/manic cycle. One week on, one week off. Deep down I knew my environment and my relationship with my husband was negatively affecting my ability to help myself and he certainly wasn't helping me in anyway. In fact his verbal abuse on the matter of my" Craziness" only fueled my depression and anxiety. His cheating only made me feel more unstable and my self esteem plummeted and disappearing became appealing.
I truly believe that its a chemical imbalance that can be exacerbated by ones environment if not treated. The thing you need the most is understanding, love , support, someone there to tell you its gonna be alright and they WANT to help you.
 For 13 very long years I had ups and downs so severe I thought at one point , that I just wanted to die. That everyone was better off without me. I was crazy. I could not handle stress. Especially the kind of stress I was under. My husband was drinking, and cheating and I was alone.
My girls were what kept me going. Every time that I thought about leaving them I would straighten my shoulders and push forward no matter how horrible I felt. I could not and I would not leave them.
However all I wanted to do was stay in bed one minute or run screaming down the street the next, but I got up every single day with heavy shoulders and leaden feet and did what needed to be done.
I was a mother after all and my kids were the most important and most wonderful thing i felt had ever come from me.
Now here i am at 38 years old and i have been in the best mental shape of my life. I finally after years of being on the wrong medications am now on the correct ones for me. I have been in and out of counseling with a psychiatrist who specializes in Bi-polar disorder and i feel like a new person. I have a supportive partner who doesn't always understand but is there and ask me "What do you need" "What can i do to help ease your pain"
Bi-polar is painful. You can physically hurt and be physically sick from the overwhelming emotions that run like rushing water through your mind. You are helpless to stop it. My coping mechanism used to be crying , ranting , raving, breaking , sobbing hysteria. Now I sleep. I know what my triggers are, i know when i can not deal with certain things and instead of causing my family pain with an outburst, i sleep. I take a nap. I let it pass. I hope it passes.
I know that a I am strong.
I know that I am Rebecca, not Bi-polar Rebecca
I know that I am loved and that i can love.
So i just take a nap.
I will always be battling this, for the rest of my life, but i want so very much for others to know that it is an illness. I am not crazy. I am not making this up to get attention. I am a good mom. I am a writer. I am just Rebecca.

I want to stop the stigma that comes with this disease and i want people to start educating themselves. I want partners of those who have a mental illness to educate themselves, so that they can help there loved ones.Please visit the links i have provided in today's blog and get educated.

Wednesday, April 20, 2016

I have always envied the mom's who can stay home with there kids.I did it for awhile, with my older girls, and when I did work I worked at night so that I could be a mommy during the day.I did this off and on for years in the hopes that i could manage both worlds. Then my marriage fell apart. When I went to MA School, I also went at night so I could still manage being a mom during the day. Since the birth of my first child its all I have ever wanted to do. Be a mom that is present!! I want to know everything there is to know about my girls. I am open and honest with them about everything , so that they are open with me, as well.
Don't get me wrong my job is rewarding. I get to help people with serious heart conditions. I have worked with the greatest Nurse Practitioner there is out there for the last three years and we are a fantastic team!!! However I find myself at work, day dreaming about the projects I would rather be working on at home. My book I'm writing. My kiddos coming home to a freshly made snack from school. Allowing them to have play dates, and maybe take a cooking class , so I can learn to make healthier meals. I find myself wondering why that is a decision I even have to make. I wonder why I can not stay home and raise my family. I mean I know why! I just don't like it.I really struggle everyday with how me working 10 hours a day effects my children. In one hand I'm holding all the strength, and independence, goal setting,and I don't need a man to make it attitude. In the other hand I'm holding all the missed hugs ,snuggles conversations,skinned knee kisses, teaching moments.
Its an internal struggle that every parent has. I don't know if the feeling is stronger for moms because we carried those little souls inside our bodies.It makes the feelings we have for them so strong that there literally is NOTHING that could break it. So ya it sucks, that living on one income just does not seem feasible.

Living on one income now a days just doesn't work!! Not only is staying home , stressful financially, but I believe putting the weight on one person in the household to work is also stressful to relationships. I believe that putting that stress on one person can cause serious health issues both mentally and physically for that one person. Literally everything rides on there shoulders to be the provider for that family and its a lot for one person. At least I think so. I wouldn't want Mark to have to carry the burden of being the only income.
If your the one staying home, you wonder constantly about whether your spouse/partner is resenting you for being the one to stay home (at least I would). I would worry about how to contribute to our retirement so that we wouldn't have to struggle or work forever. I would worry about Mark and the stress he is carrying on his own because he doesn't want me to worry about it ( you know men they think we cant handle it, cause were a little crazy sometimes..hahaha) but really, its hard no matter which way the wheel turns.
I would love to hear from everyone about this!!! I'm excited to learn from all you moms and dads out there!!
I mean what does it boil down too? Coupon clipping?Selling things we don't need? I mean my ultimate goal is to do what i love and stay home. Is it possible though? So A little encouragement from those of you who have made the sacrifice to either live on one income or cut back to part time would be wonderful. How do you guys, handle your internal struggle with the missed moments? With the feelings of regret?

Sometimes I wish I was someone else

Getting New computer can really suck sometimes. As I began todays blog I hit some random button and completley deleted what I was typing. ...